OSHA Doesn't Inspect Here Any More
by Nienna Nir
Summary: Mornings in Avengers Tower are always busy. Mornings when more than seventy-five percent of the residents have travel plans are really busy. Mornings when morons derail those plans? Well, that's when things get interesting. Part of the Series: Coulson Lives but the Avengers might be the death of him.


"Have you packed yet?" Natasha demanded, shooting Clint a sour look as she strode into the kitchen, her duffle on her shoulder. She dropped the bag at the end of the breakfast bar, heading toward the fridge. Clint shrugged, his attention fixed on his stark pad and his stocking feet resting on the table as he leaned back in his chair. "We're supposed to be at HQ for the pre mission briefing in less than an hour." Natasha shouldered past Tony who was leaning against the counter on the palms of his hands, staring at the k-cup machine. In one swift motion she swept up a spoon from the cutlery drawer with one hand and opened the fridge with the other, closing it as she turned on her toes and, leaning against the door, peeled the top off her yogurt.

"What's with Stark?" She asked curiously, her brow knitting in a puzzled expression.

"Seventy-two hours straight in the lab," Clint replied without looking up. "I think he's trying to caffeinate through telepathy." Natasha licked her spoon before reaching around Tony and grabbing a mug from the cupboard, setting it under the dispenser. Tony didn't even move as her coffee brewed.

"I am so looking forward to the workshops on solar sail development," Jane declared, dumping two suitcases inside the kitchen doorway.

"I'm pretty sure most of the attendees are going to hear your presentation on quantum field generators," Betty teased, tossing her own bags on top of Jane's.

"Our, presentation," Jane corrected. "I am not presenting that paper without you, girl friend. Morning everyone."

"Morning," Clint mumbled as Natasha flashed them a smile around her spoon.

"Did you pack yet?" Betty asked Clint as she passed him. He blew her a kiss, still transfixed by his tablet.

"When do you guys leave for the conference?" Natasha asked as Jane hopped up on the edge of the counter beside her, fishing a granola bar out of the cookie jar.

"Technically whenever Thor gets out of the shower," Betty answered, reaching around Tony to make a cup of coffee as if she couldn't see him. "Tony loaned us one of his planes."

"He didn't want Thor on Delta," Jane admitted, nudging Natasha aside and pulling the creamer out of the fridge, sliding it down the counter to Betty.

"I see you're all packed," Bruce declared as he entered the kitchen from the opposite door, crossing to brush a kiss on Betty's cheek.

"All ready to go," Betty confirmed with a nod, handing the mug of coffee to Jane as Bruce put the kettle on.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, Bruce?" Jane cajoled. "Thor will be there if anything… happens."

"I'll feel better knowing he'll be keeping all of his attention on the pair of you," Bruce insisted with a smile. "I never really liked those sorts of things… before."

"He really didn't," Betty confirmed.

"Just because the threat against you two is minimal doesn't mean it's nonexistent," Natasha reminded.

"You're friends with us now," Clint agreed, grinning. "Worst decision you ever made."

"I feel like we're leaving you out," Jane admitted.

"I'll be there in spirit," Bruce promised. "I'll watch the whole thing online. Besides, someone should hold down the fort with Steve."

"I'd always wanted to see Hollywood," Steve admitted as he and Thor wandered into the kitchen as if on cue. "It wasn't quite what I expected when I got there."

"Still, you are welcome to join us," Thor insisted, toweling off his damp hair. "I am told there is much to see in the great city of Los Angeles. This is the first opportunity you have had to relax in some time, Steven."

"Sure," Jane pipped up as Betty nodded. "We'd love to have you!"

"We even promise to keep the human biology track away from you," Betty added.

"Vultures," Bruce and Jane huffed in unison.

"Thanks but I think I'd be more relaxed here at home," Steve admitted. He paused, blinking as he stared at Tony, still hunched over the counter in front of the coffee machine.

"Aww hell," Steve sighed. "fellas why didn't one of you caffeinate him?"

"He's so funny like that though," Clint admitted gleefully, his eyes still locked on his tablet.

"That is just cold," Steve insisted as Betty and Jane tried not to giggle at Thor's disapproving look.

"I've got him," Betty placed her own mug in Tony's hands, carefully wrapping his fingers around the ceramic and tilting it toward his mouth.

"It liiiivies," Clint declared in a deep, basso voice as Tony took a swallow and gave a full body shudder as if shaking off unconsciousness.

"Lay off of him," Steve shook his head. "Have you packed yet?" Clint ignored him.

"Ms. Potts has just landed at LaGuardia," JARVIS declared. "She wants to know if Sir will be arriving within the hour or if she has time to have a Swedish massage at the airport spa."

"Tell Pepper I need to reboot her genius before I load him into a car," Steve answered, struggling to hide his smile.

"Tell her to get her nails done too," Natasha suggested.

"I shall advise her appropriately," JARVIS promised with a tone that sounded suspiciously like exasperation.

"I'll take the suit," Tony mumbled, blinking one eye, the other still firmly sealed shut.

"Sure you will," Steve nodded, taking Tony's now empty mug and replacing it with a fresh one.

"Can I get a cup of coffee?" Phil asked with a frown as Steve snapped the k-cup machine closed. "We're leaving in thirty."

"You can have this one, Phil," Steve offered. "I have plenty of time to make another."

"I think we're out of cream though," Jane declared, opening the fridge. "JARVIS, we're out of cream again."

"It's fine," Natasha waved her off. "Phil likes his coffee black."

"Just like my metal," Coulson deadpanned, accepting the mug Steve held out to him as Tony let out a choked sound, hacking into his coffee mug. Steve patted him gently on the back, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"What the hell?" Tony sputtered, half sagging between Steve and the counter as he gaped at Phil. Coulson only returned his look with his most placid expression.

"I'd love to stay and watch the latest episode of _Days of Our Super Lives_," Betty declared, her lips turned up in an amused smirk. "But I need to run down to the lab and check my latest reading before we go."

"Yeah I want to double check that I have everything," Jane nodded in agreement, sliding off the counter.

"Bruce and I will bring down your bags," Thor promised.

"Finish your pop tart, darling," Jane stated, patting his arm fondly as she passed him.

"No rush," Betty agreed. "Our plane won't leave without us."

"Don't say thanks or anything," Tony rolled his eyes.

"Oh you _are_ awake," Betty kissed his cheek. "Thank you for the ostentatious air plane."

"Rich friends are awesome!" Jane agreed, giving him a thumbs up as she backed out of the doorway, Betty not far behind her.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Tony called after them.

"What would that be?" Bruce asked, settling into the chair beside Clint with his cup of tea.

"No idea," Tony shrugged. "But there has to be something."

"I definitely wouldn't take that bet," Steve declared firmly.

"Have you packed?" Phil asked Clint. Barton gave him a thumbs up, his attention still on his tablet. "We're leaving in less than half an hour."

"He doesn't want to go," Natasha declared as if this were an obvious answer, stealing one of Thor's pop tarts.

"I hate Juárez," Clint insisted vehemently. Phil reached out, snagging Clint's Starkpad and the archer let out a yelp like an injured puppy.

"Phil, I almost had that level on Where's My Water!" he whined.

"Pack, Barton," Phil declared sternly. "We're leaving for HQ in twenty minutes."

"Steve can go!" Clint negotiated.

"Steve's going to let me beat him at chess a few times," Bruce insisted. "I have tickets to a show riding on it."

"No opera!" Steve insisted, wincing. Bruce gave him an evil grin that made Thor snicker.

"You'd take that bet but not the one on Tony?" Clint asked teasingly. Steve just shrugged.

"You can come to the Pentagon with me," Tony offered, still half blurry as he looked up at Steve. "You can be the test dummy for the new field armor."

"No thanks," Steve rolled his eyes. "I was already the test dummy for the new field armor."

"True enough," Bruce agreed as Tony rolled his eyes.

"Clint, you're going," Phil insisted, fishing his phone from his pocket as it buzzed. "Go pack. We're just about to head to HQ, Director." Phil pressed his phone to his ear, a frown almost instantly creasing his brow.

"The mission's canceled," Clint declared hopefully, crossing his fingers on both hands.

"Not unless Juárez isn't there any more," Natasha huffed.

"Is that a thing we can actually do?" Clint asked hopefully before turning his attention on Tony. "You're all, socially powerful. Can you make a city disappear?"

"It seems an unwise pursuit," Thor commented, pulling fresh pop tarts from the toaster.

"Why would I make Juárez disappear for you?" Tony asked with a scowl.

"Because you love me," Clint answered, swinging his feet down from the table and crossing the kitchen to lean over the bar, batting his eyelashes.

"You left me catatonic in front of the coffee," Tony reminded. "That's like showing a starving man pictures of steak, it's indecent." Clint turned pleading eyes on Steve.

"I'm going to side with Tony," Steve's shoulders slumped a little as if he were worried that this decision would come back to bite him.

"As am I," Thor nodded in agreement.

"Well there's a sign of the apocalypse if I've ever seen one," Clint sighed, leaning his chin in his palm.

"Director, I…" Phil's expression had gone from frosty to downright angry, a muscle in his jaw ticking as he tugged at the knot in his tie. "Sir, we… I don't think."

"I think Juárez is the least of our problems," Natasha frowned.

"Juárez is never the least of anyones problems," Clint insisted firmly.

"Yes, sir," Phil ground out, his lips in a tight line. "No sir… immediately, _sir_." The last word was delivered with far more ire than usual and Phil hung up, staring at his phone with narrowed eyes.

"Phil?" Steve asked worriedly. Phil took a deep calming breath, letting it out slowly, his eyes half lidded. Finally he gave a decisive nod.

And pitched his phone against the wall as hard as he could throw it.

"Shit," Clint declared, as Bruce scuttled back from Phil. Coulson drew in another deep breath and let off a string of profanity in so many languages it made Thor blink in a mixture of stunned admiration and total shock.

"It is fortunate he has a Starkphone," Thor observed.

"It's fortunate you and Frozone kept breaking yours and forcing me to improve them," Tony declared, jerking a thumb in Steve's direction.

"I didn't know he could get that angry," Bruce whispered, nervously as Steve slowly nudged the scientist behind him, his anxious gaze pinned on Coulson.

"I do not believe that is physically possible," Thor stated, his eyes wide in awe, his attention still fixed on whatever profanity was tumbling out of Phil's mouth.

"Hell, I'm willing to give it a try," Tony shrugged with a lascivious grin.

"I know Pepper and you won't survive it," Natasha deadpanned, suddenly incredibly interested in the state of her fingernails.

"Was that... Swahili?" Steve asked, his cheeks turning red.

"Where did you learn Swahili?" Bruce countered in surprise.

"There was a war on," Steve shrugged uncomfortably as Phil continued to curse.

"I can no longer understand what he's saying," Thor declared, his brow creasing in worry.

"That's because it's Klingon," Steve sighed. Natasha shot a piercing glare at him as she glided forward, folding her arms over her chest. "What?" he demanded, giving her a half frightened look in return.

"Phil dated a Klingon in college," Clint shrugged. Everyone, with the exception of Natasha, stared at him as if he were insane and he hunched into a defensive posture. "It was kind of a con weekend thing." Natasha snapped him in the back of his head with her hand.

"What?" he whined, giving her a hurt look.

"I'm still focused on the fact that you know what Klingon is, Freezer Pop," Tony declared, his delight almost palpable. Steve only rolled his eyes, watching Phil with increasing distress.

"Wait, what was that last one?" Bruce asked, his shoulders rolling up near his ears in caution.

"Sindarin," Clint answered without missing a beat. Natasha hit him in the back of the head again.

"Ow! he pouted, rubbing his skull as he frowned at her.

"Um, Phil?" Steve began hesitantly, inching forward.

"Don't worry, I got this," Clint held up his hand. "Phil, _lasto beth nin_." He ducked as Natasha's hand swung at the back of his head.

She scowled, cuffing Phil on the back swing.

"Ow!" Coulson snapped, rubbing the back of his head as Clint folded his arms over his chest smugly.

"Focus," Natasha growled, her eyes narrowing. Phil gritted his teeth, drawing in an unsteady breath.

"Steve, I'm afraid your vacation has been canceled by the Pentagon," Phil declared slowly, his body vibrating in barely controlled rage.

"Phil, it's ok," Steve sighed, ruffling his hair in an attempt to mask his disappointment. "I mean, I'll get over it. There's no need to…"

"They've requested that you supervise a tactical training exercise," Phil interrupted before Steve could continue. Rogers opened his mouth to offer something placating. "At The Vault."

"Well fuck," Clint declared, looking as if the wind had just been knocked out of him. Natasha's lips disappeared in a thin angry line.

"I don't…" Steve began in confusion.

"That son of a bitch," Tony snarled. Steve turned to look at him and Stark's brow creased in a venomous expression. "The Vault is currently under the command of our dear friend."

"Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross," Bruce finished with a knowing look, wincing painfully as Tony gave a sharp nod of confirmation.

"This is not acceptable," Thor declared, anger in his tone.

"I thought Standish was running The Vault," Steve protested.

"He was," Natasha frowned. "But he retired and Ross' last command was destroyed in a."

"Act of god?" Clint suggested as she glowered at him. Thor covered his mouth to stifle his giggle.

"Nothing about this is funny," Phil snapped. "He timed this perfectly so that Cap would be entirely without backup."

"Why are we even going along with this?" Tony demanded with a scowl. "Fury's not a moron and we're not in the Army!"

"The request didn't come from The Vault," Phil winced, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "It was a direct order from the Senate defense committee. It's a pretext to test the integrity of the Vault and assess the staff in the event of an attempted escape."

"So they're going to take Steve and lock him in a box and tell him to try to get out?" Clint demanded in horror. "Just because Ross has some senators in his back pocket?"

"And Fury can't ignore the request because it's coming from the guys who pay the bills," Tony scoffed. "What's the point of having the protection of a super secret spy agency when they won't protect you from douche bags?"

"Fellas," Steve began, his arms folded over his chest in an unnatural calm.

"We cannot allow this," Thor insisted with a dark glower. "Once in Ross' clutches anything might happen."

"I agree," Natasha nodded. "But we can't simply refuse, we'll put SHIELD, the Initiative, Stark Industries, even Jane and Betty at risk."

"Fellas," Steve tried to interrupt.

"I'll go to LA to the conference and Steve can take Thor," Bruce suggested. "Then at least he'll have backup."

"Thor isn't cleared for the Vault," Clint shook his head. "Any way, no offense Bruce, but that could be part of the plan, draw away their guard and then capture them for ransom." Bruce shuddered.

"I'll cancel my meeting at the Pentagon," Tony volunteered. "Pepper can handle it."

"You can't do that," Natasha snapped sternly. "And you know why. We'll piss off the Pentagon and we'll be back at the same place we were by refusing."

"Yeah," Tony admitted with a sigh. "80% of SI profits might be consumer electronics now, but most of the Initiative is being funded by the Pentagon contracts for defensive and medical technologies. I snub them and they might just decide they'd rather spite me. And apart from the money, which is awesome, that'd mean less of our kids in uniform coming home to their families."

"I don't think any of us can live with that," Phil agreed. Stark Industries defensive equipment was being used by SHIELD as well and without Pentagon approval no one at SHIELD would be getting a shiny new bullet proof tuxedo any time soon.

"Fellas I appreciate you all coming to my defense," Steve insisted firmly. "But I want to do this."

"Did Thor hit you in the head sparring again?" Tony asked, grasping the back of Steve's neck and squinting into his eyes assessingly "Thor did you hit him in the head?"

"If the Vault is Ross' command that means his office is there," Steve pointed out in exasperation, brushing him off. "And that means that all his Super Soldier research is there. All the data we couldn't get our hands on at his research facilities. All the backups, it all has to be there."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say," Natasha's full lips turned down in a frown.

"He's inviting us in through the front door!" Steve continued pleadingly. "This could be our only chance to wipe out Project Rebirth, maybe even put a dent in the Weapon X program! We can't let that go."

"You stupid self sacrificing son of a bitch," Tony spat, running his hands over his face and through his hair. "You know how that ends, don't you?"

"I'll take my chances," Steve insisted. "Thor will be in LA, Phil's team will be in Juárez, neither one is that far from Colorado. I can call for an extraction and someone can pick me up. Simple."

"Absolutely not," Phil shook his head angrily. "And what happens if they lock you in and then gas you? You can't go in there without backup."

"Steve has a point," Natasha conceded. "We haven't been able to infiltrate far enough into Ross' bailiwick to wipe out all his data. This is our best shot."

"Not you too," Clint let out an angry growl.

"I'm not suggesting he go in alone," Natasha answered scathingly. "But we want them off their guard. The last thing we want to do is send in someone they'll recognize."

"You're right, it can't be an Avenger," Phil nodded in grudging agreement. "It should be someone they'd underestimate, someone with the necessary clearance but who looks unassuming."

"Someone we can pass off as an aid but who has enough field experience not to lose it when things get ugly." Clint sighed thoughtfully. His brow furrowed in consideration.

"Someone we know we can trust," Tony reminded.

"Somebody who can pull off young and wide eyed," Bruce suggested.

"A great pair of legs wouldn't be amiss either," Natasha admitted.

"A capable warrior who excels at subterfuge," Thor folded his arms over his chest.

"That's great," Clint blew out a breath, casting a worried look at Steve. "And just who are we going to get who can pull that off? I don't know any of the new recruits at SHIELD that I'd trust with Steve's life."

"Morning super dudes," Darcy declared, shuffling into the kitchen and heading straight for the k-cup machine, her bunny slippers slapping against the tile. She shrugged as her hoodie slipped down her shoulder, tugging it back into place and running her fingers through her rumpled hair with a yawn. She snapped the chamber closed and turned to look at them. "You guys all packed?" Natasha's smug expression slowly morphed into one that could only be described as evil glee. Tony grinned brightly. Seven pairs of eyes studied her with varying levels of careful consideration.

"Oh hell," Darcy inched back against the cabinets, folding her arms protectively over her Pokemon t-shirt. "What?"

* * *

"I hate you," Darcy declared. "I want you to know that. I hate you and this is a horrible job and it's totally not worth the extra five k a year." She crouched down, peering around the corner and letting off a blast from her repulser glove.

"Hang tight kiddo," Tony's voice answered in her ear. "I'm almost there."

"You're a lousy boss too," Darcy added. "and this is definitely some kind of harassment. I'm not sure what kind but as soon as I figure it out I'm reporting you to the Department of Labor."

"They won't answer complaints any more," Natasha admitted mildly. "They know us too well. Just keep your head down, Phil will be there to pull you guys out in five."

"Stay off the coms, Romanov," Phil ordered. "You'll compromise your position. Lewis, don't get shot." Darcy flattened herself against the wall, wrapping her arms over her head as a spray of gunfire ricocheted down the corridor. As soon as it let up she lobbed a taser grenade, running in the opposite direction. A bullet grazed her shoulder and she ducked down a side corridor, breathing heavily.

"Hey Tony?" she said, blinking at her arm.

"Yeah, kid?"

"New field armor is fucking awesome!" Darcy grinned.

"I know, right?" Tony's voice was delighted.

"There's a hole in my expensive suit, bro," she admitted a little annoyed. "And I think I have a bruise."

"Make Tony buy you another one." Bruce's voice suggested over the coms. "Thor's on his way too. Is the defense grid down?"

"I dropped the EMP the second they closed the door on Steve," Darcy nodded, hurrying away from the worst of the racket. "You should have seen the look on that asshat Talbot's face."

"I would have paid to see that," Clint sighed dramatically.

"Off the coms!" Phil snapped.

"I took a picture," Darcy admitted with a grin, slinking down the corridor and hunkering down in a doorway.

"Mary me, Darc," Clint declared.

"In your dreams, Hawk-boy," She answered with a grin, holding back the handful of guards at the end of the corridor.

"Do you have any idea what radio silence is, Barton?" Phil demanded.

"He really doesn't," Natasha replied.

"I am moments from your position, my lady," Thor's voice came over the line. "Is the Captain with you?" There was a loud crash and a small explosion. A moment later Steve skidded down the hall, shooting behind him.

"You ok?" Steve asked, grasping her arm and hauling her to her feet, the pair of them running at full speed down the corridor.

"Never better," Darcy grinned at him before pressing her hand to her ear. "I've got the man with a plan, we're on our way to the pickup point."

"Cap did you plant the virus?" Bruce asked, his tone worried.

"It should be uploaded now," Steve confirmed, taking the com Darcy handed him and activating it. "Get what we need and clear the system, Bruce."

"Make for the courtyard," Tony instructed. "Thor you get the kid, I'll grab Spangles."

"Tony what are you doing here?" Steve asked in surprise.

"It's cool," Stark answered. "Senator Bitchface thinks I'm in the john."

"Pepper is going to kill you," Clint declared.

"How is this my life?" Darcy asked in wonder as they burst through the entry doors amid a hail of gunfire.

"Kind of makes you wish you'd gone into city planning, huh?" Steve asked with a grin.

"Hell no!" Darcy declared. "I just tazed a general. It doesn't get any better than this… except maybe tazing demigods."

"I shall try not to take that personally," Thor declared, scooping her up. Steve turned, lobbing an odd looking device back at the door as a group of guards stumbled after them. The flash bomb went off just milliseconds after Iron Man swept him up as well.

"We've got them out, Coulson," Tony reported.

"Good work," Phil replied. "Drop them at the extraction point and I'll deliver them to the airfield in Utah."

"Thor, as soon as you're done here, head back to LA," Steve ordered. "Bruce, how did it go?"

"The data centers are wiped," Bruce reported. "I'll catch my flight out as soon as Thor gets back here. I've had enough of the West Coast."

"We might even make the nanotechnology mixer this evening!" Jane stated excitedly.

"Tie one on for me!" Clint declared.

"Barton!" Phil snapped.

"Hate to rescue and run," Tony quipped, dropping Steve mere yards from the quintet as it landed and making a u-turn back toward Washington without even a pause. Thor landed a moment later gently setting Darcy on the ground before taking off again.

"Good work," Steve remarked as he and Darcy walked toward the jet's ramp.

"Thanks," She grinned up at him. "You weren't so bad yourself, old man."

"We're on a timetable here people," Phil stated, appearing at the top of the ramp.

"Thanks for the lift, Agent," Steve stated, all cool professionalism, despite his roguish smile.

"How was the mission?" Phil asked, equally serious as Darcy skipped past him, flopping onto one of the benches and buckling in.

"I'm disappointed to report that the security at The Vault is grossly inadequate," Steve replied. "I'd recommend a complete reevaluation of command and training protocols."

"Would you now?" Coulson inquired, trying not to smile.

"I'll be sure to have my full report ready on Monday," Steve nodded, moving to take his seat beside Darcy.

"You do that Captain," Phil agreed, returning to the cockpit.

"Thanks," Steve stated seriously, holding out a hand to Darcy.

"You're welcome," she nodded, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze before releasing it. She jostled his shoulder playfully and he smiled as the quinjet took off.

"You," Steve paused. "You kind of remind me of someone I knew during the war. She was really tough and brave too. And she never let anything stand in her way."

"Oh my god!" Darcy gaped at him. "Did you just compare me to Peggy Carter? _The_ Peggy Carter, superhero girlfriend and all around badass?"

"I might have, yeah," Steve nodded, blushing.

"I can die happy right now," Darcy admitted with a glowing grin. She paused thoughtfully. "Except for the dying part, I am really not into that." Steve laughed.

"You did really good today," he offered. "You should be proud."

"And my guidance counselor told me a polly-sci degree wouldn't get me anywhere," she stated in smug satisfaction.

"Let me tell you something, Lewis," Steve offered, settling back in his seat. "people who tell you what you can and can't do? They don't know anything."

* * *

**Note:**

When Steve shields Bruce from Phil, Steve is not worried about Phil hurting Bruce or anyone else. Bruce's trigger issues are related to anxiety and Bruce simply feels less anxious if there is a safety net between himself and displays of anger.

This story is part of a series called "Coulson Lives but the Avengers Might be the Death of him." The full list of stories and their chronological order can be found on my profile page


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